you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
