Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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