I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
