I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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