The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
