i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
