can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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