I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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