I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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