I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
