I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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