He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
