I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
