How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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