i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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