i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
