thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
