Sry I called you an 8
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
