Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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