I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
