Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
