Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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