yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
