Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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