I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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