I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
