Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
