He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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