how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
