I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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