i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
