woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
