Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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