totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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