I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
