Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
