dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
