I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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