That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
