I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
