I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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