Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
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