I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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