All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
