I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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