How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
