I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
