State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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