i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
