i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
